that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
