ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize