On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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