No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
someone owes me an orgasm
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You've changed since you got that strap on
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
