Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
