so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
