Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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