apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
