when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize