tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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