I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize