she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i think i just lost a toe
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
