I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i dont even know how to be here
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
