Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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