Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
