no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
