Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
