Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
