He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
