First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
