The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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