sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
