The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
