My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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