As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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