I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
