Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He kissed a someone with a penis
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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