While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
