in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
