If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
