be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize