Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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