Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
