I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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