I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Never joke about your clitoris.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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