I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize