Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
