pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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