i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
