i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Your cock deserves a montage
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
