So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
