The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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