i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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