i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
