You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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