under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
