i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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