Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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