Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
