My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
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