...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
