sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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