you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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