I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
