Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
