return my video game
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
