Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I met the friendliest cop last night
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
