my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
